I Was Lucky to Never Have Friends (Use Loneliness as a Weapon)

When I think about my way of living right now, I mostly feel okay with it (because I’ve been so used to living like this), but sometimes I stumble across the sadness of living this way.

The way how I live — Alone.

Now that I’ve said that, you might think of me as some loner.

But I don’t really consider myself one.

I feel happy enough if I have a social hangout once a week (although I’ve heard that good mental health comes from being around your ‘real’ friends every single day).

I think being alone is peaceful.

I think loneliness is an advantage.

Let me tell you a story as to why I think that.

I was rejected by every girl I liked in school.

I found it hard to make friends (mostly because I hated putting on a mask and telling anything different from what was actually going on in my mind — and isn’t that what school is all about?)

I developed this aura of “I’m a Loser since no one likes me”.

When you’re a kid, you learn EXPONENTIALLY from the people around you (Parents & Siblings first), and as you start to go into your teens, the experiences that you get become the basis of every story that you tell when you graduate high school (aka Limiting Beliefs — because who has the perfect childhood?)

So this story I told myself — “I’m a Loser. And No one Likes Me” — became such a potent limiting belief that negatively reinforced itself every time something bad happened to me (and since I was much of a pessimist, I perceived my minor pains as, “Why the hell is my life so fucked?”)

(p.s. That is still one of my major Limiting Beliefs today. I’ve identified it, but need to find ways to work on it myself. And it’s a pain in the ass)

Moving forward, because of this belief, I found it really hard to make friends (I did make a few real friends who I can talk to unfiltered to this day, but…),

• didn’t get invited to the parties

  (literally none throughout high school — well one, where I was madly in one-sided love with this girl and magnificently fucked it up),

• was labeled as ‘The Depressed Kid’

  (Instagram was the fad; and I — like an idiot — spammed depressing quotes on my timeline that gained me that label — as it should have),

and after a major rejection in grade 11, it sealed my label as an ‘Outcast’ (it’s a universal truth — ‘You can’t hide embarrassment in high school. EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS’).

So I’ve carried this for a long time (around 9 years from today), and I’ve always found it hard to believe in myself.

(sob, sob…)

But here’s the blessing in disguise:

I have nothing holding me back.

Let me tell you the thinking behind this (which is what came to my when I was getting my sunlight first thing in the morning for 2 minutes — highly recommended for better sleep and happiness :)

I had a friend 2 grades higher.

He was skinny and kind of clapped in his school era.

He was in another school before (where I was too), and then he shifted to my new school (where I already was for a year),

he immediately got into - what I still think - was the best high school group (you know how on Netflix shows there’s always this one gang that has the ‘coolest’ guys? Yeah, felt like that)

I so so so wanted to be a part of them, but obviously that didn’t happen.

As my negativity grew in my ‘testosterone-teens’ (grade 9-12), I developed a seed of hatred for this friend of mine.

I used to see Snapchat stories and snaps, Instagram posts, and just in the school itself, of how much ‘fun’ he was having with this new gang.

And I always thought to myself, “This guy was a skinny loser who got cheated on by his girlfriend. How does he have such cool friends and I don’t?” (”because you were unlikeable, my man”)

This hatred filled up to the point where it exploded on him one day (on Snapchat lmao — after seeing a pic of him with 15 other people), and I became an even more bitter person throughout high school.

But this was my side of the story.

What about his side?

(before we go on, he is one of my closest friends today… details are irrelevant).

He made such amazing lifelong friends.

Literal best friends.

And (damn it’s kinda funny to say this), I’m a part of that group too for a good few years (’part’ of it, not necessarily ‘invested’ into it. Keep Reading)

The problem that he would have (that I don’t), is going ALL IN on his GOALS.

“But Maaz, aren’t friends supposed to support you toward your goals”

100%

But here’s a harsh truth,

Have you ever heard of the analogy ‘Crabs in a Bucket’?

The story is, that when there are many crabs in a bucket,

there will always be one that will try to get out of the bucket,

but all the other crabs will snip at its legs so it falls back down and is stuck with them.

A very harsh question you can ask yourself,

“Who is truly my friend, who will celebrate me in my success? And who is a crab, who will smile at my failures?”

(p.s. some of these can even be family & best friends. Your brain will try to deny it. Good luck running away from the truth)

I’m sure he is happy, and I am for him too.

But this morning I just compared myself and him in this way;

and I thought to myself,

“I have no one holding me back. I don’t live by anyone messaging, “Bro You’ve Changed”. I don’t have people whose company will only slow down my progress towards my goals”

Imagine what would come over him if he decided to do something extreme,

His ‘friends’ would coax him by saying, “Bro come on, how much will you work. Come play 1 game with us”,

which essentially means, “Fuck your dreams. Fuck your goals. I am selfish. Spend time with me. Don’t leave me behind. Stay a loser with me so that I can feel better about being a pathetic loser myself. And if you try and become better than me, I will criticize you and abandon you. I will tell everyone in the discord chat about how ‘Gay’ you are for going to the gym, meditating, starting an online business, and trying to become a better man”.

And since such people don’t have friends who are on the other side — the side they want to get to — they end up staying stuck with these losers (for a very long period, if not, their entire lives)

Do you know why that is?

Do you know why it is so hard to say no?

To exit a friend group (even if it no longer holds meaning or value to you)?

Because we are still animals.

Evolution takes hundreds of thousands of years.

And our brains haven’t evolved that much.

What would this ‘friend group’ mean in the Tribal days?

(Our Tribe that keeps us feeling safe and comfortable from the harsh bouts of nature)

And what would happen if we left our tribe and ventured out into the world, alone?

(it would signify death. Another tribe would come to kill us, nature would be ruthless, and there would be predators who wouldn’t rest until we died)

Is it any wonder that one spends months (or even years), trying to make the decision of leaving the ‘discord chat’?

Now,

Biggest Disclaimer: It is LONELY as fuck on this journey of self-improvement.

So the choice is in your hands.

Do you want to remain the same?

Or do you wish for a better life?

It doesn’t matter if you went to piss together in school.

It doesn’t matter if they helped you get your first girlfriend.

It doesn’t matter if you got a nuke killstreak on call of duty with them.

It doesn’t even matter if they are your close family.

It doesn’t matter if they are your best friend.

It. Doesn’t. Matter.

Your Life is the sum of the choices you make.

That’s it for today’s letter.

(Damn, this is the first time I’ve sat down and written something that — I hope — is valuable)

Have a killer week.

~ Maaz